Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It is going to be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."

Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from put. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:

A three-floor Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")

As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But yes, certain, let's have Yet another area where by American Adult males can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

Based on files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This really is smooth electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he need to halt using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned about the venture, replied, "You understand, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Great tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."

Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head visible from Place, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, classified.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It truly is not just hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Attributes

Perhaps the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium in which attendees may contemplate vague disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Management established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Nearby Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They can Occur"

The advertisement campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxury is For good."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it would stabilize the region"

29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"

18% claimed "in which's the closest elevator on the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"

The challenge is previously attracting attention from Global investors, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even include things like:

A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War

Comment Area Chaos

To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not wait around to view a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Lastly, a lodge where my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."

A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Effect

U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Stories propose:

China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Trump Tower Damascus
Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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